what if....?

what if..i am selfish in my decision?
what if..i stayed back instead?
what if..i leave but still doing what i would see myself doing in the future?
what if..i just go back to where i was from?
what if....ok..they are actualy not so many 'what ifs'..i just wanted to lengthen it :/

Lord, you know i want to do Your will..you know i have only 1 life and honest to the core, i want to live a life that will be meaningful and impacting others. but what about my time now? do i need a time off to reorganize myself? do i need the time off to straighten my thoughts and priorities. i feel like i've gone off tangent but have i really gone off? or is it simply some minor hardships that i'm going through?

lord, when is it that being selfish in decision making not selfish? or is there even such a thing? how can i live the kind of life where i enjoy what i'm doing without the unnecessary pressure? :/

these are just my thoughts and don't build a theology on it...